We at Freedom Forge Press have been looking back on our posts so far, and we do have to give credit where credit is due. At times even small government supporters can (and must) accept that a world without government would not be a very desirable place to live. From ensuring justice via a court system, to courteously managing droves of lines at the DMV, to efficiently delivering mail, government has earned its place as a provider of some of life’s most essential services. Let’s face it, fellow libertarians, conservatives, and liberals alike love when police come out to chase bad guys, when fire fighters come to fight fires, and when we have roads to travel to the grocery store and to our jobs.
Uniting in the brotherhood of man to pursue the common cause of humanity, establishing a fair and equitable system for living modern life can truly be done by no other entity than government. We must “give props” to all the good things government does.
Government delivered us from the maw of economic collapse via cleverly named acronyms such as the TARP, TALF, CALF (little known follow-on program to support low-income bovine), HARP, HERP, and HERP-DERP. Government truly knew best when it threw more than $1 trillion in stimulus and budget supplements at “shovel-ready” projects such as a government funded study to train Chinese prostitutes not to drink excessively while “on the job,”
What about roads? We always hear from anti-libertarian groups that we can’t possibly be serious about not supporting government’s role in maintaining roads. “I guess you’re anti-road then,” the line goes. Damn straight! In the words of the venerable Doc Brown, “Where we’re going we don’t need roads!”
Why, you ask? Clearly, paying precious tax payer dollars to paint roads and roadkill alike are a waste of resources to subsidize an oil-driven economy, oil companies, and encourage the mass production of carbon dioxide which will raise the planet’s temperature in a hockey stick-like graph until the rate of increase reaches about 1000 degrees Farenheit each week. This mysteriously coincides with either the Mayan doomsday in December of this year or could also spontaneously happen during any airing of Jersey Shore.
Alternatives abound! We already have rail projects popping up all over the country. Residents of Fairfax County, Virginia, as well as several Maryland counties already know the speed and efficiency with which their metro system operates. Loudoun County is about to learn the joys of escalators that are never broken (even the new ones!), a highly responsive (if underpaid) customer service staff, and miles and miles of track that are so well maintained that Metro even has money left over to provide lucrative salary and benefit packages to its unionized workforce. Heck, with government subsidies, Metro hardly costs a thing to operate, so it’s really free transportation and every city in the US should get its own system! And since it doesn’t cost anything to operate, we’re essentially writing a check for our kids and grandchildren to cash at the bank with all the money that would have been spent propping up the oil companies. Even President Obama found the wisdom in this modest proposal stating that a goal of his administration was to bring rail to 80% of all Americans, most likely about a week before Election Day 2012.
Now, in the near term, we may still need a few valuable projects funded by government subsidies. You already no doubt have heard about the “bridge to nowhere” in Alaska, which cost anywhere from $500 million to about $25 billion depending on whose estimate you believe. Why stop there? We need to build roads to cross the oceans and connect to our brothers and sisters on all 7 continents, even Antarctica. After that, I’m thinking maybe a bridge to the moon would offer just the sort of shovel-ready project needed to get this economy going again.
But enough about roads and shovel-ready projects. We all know one of government’s chief purposes is to keep its citizens safe. Surely, folks of all political flavors can agree on this! If left to mere individual citizens, no one would have been smart enough to realize that the best way of securing or southern border does not involve building fences or increasing border guards. No sir! Only government could truly have found the best solution to this problem. And solve the problem they did! What individual in his or her best wisdom could have come up with the proposal to actually ship weapons across the border to Mexico where they’ll fall into the hands of drug cartels who will then use them to kill each other off. But who really cares if a few Americans and Mexican innocent bystanders are kill too. Right?! They have given their lives to achieve a greater good.
And maybe we here at FFP have been going about this thing all wrong. Why shouldn’t the government regulate school lunches? Who wants to have to think about what to pack for their kids each morning? And why stop there? By George, we’re Americans! Why should we have to waste precious hours of our days counting calories or avoiding the temptation of the golden arches? Wouldn’t it be nice if Uncle Sam would just outlaw trans-fats altogether? It would truly be nice if some benevolent and well-meaning politicians would create mandatory morning exercise, a corps of though police to prevent things such as hate-speech and thought-crime, and give us the greater good that we should work toward so that we don’t have to waste our own time as individual thinking about it.
And what were we thinking when we wrote about lowering taxes? To think that the general population might best know how to spend their own money is flat-out absurd! If we let people keep and spend more of their own money, they might not spend it the right way, which would be bad for everyone. Who would voluntarily pay into entitlement programs to redistribute funds if there were no taxes to require such payments?
The list could (and does in fact!) go on and on…and on and on and on. But maybe big government supporters are on to something when they say that without government, all these valuable projects vital to every day life would not be funded. Let us give pause and praise to our benevolent overlords and bear witness to the wonders which the beneficent hand of government hath wrought.
So raise a glass to the benevolent hand of government, and all its elected officials, paragons of excellence, and have yourself a very happy APRIL FOOL’S DAY!